love it

lol

A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head.

Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly said no as she was only going a short distance.

Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips.

He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"

She replied, "No, no, puppies"

Urgh

Why I am Divorced!!

I woke up on my birthday feeling a bit down, as I walked into the kitchen I barely received a good morning never mind a happy birthday from my husband.

The kids came running down the stairs demanding breakfast no birthday greetings or presents from them either.

I arrived at work, sat down at my desk a couple of minutes later my handsome boss came in and greeted me with a cheery good morning and a happy birthday!

At lunch time my boss came through and said its a lovely day out there let me take you out for a birthday lunch. Off we went to a lovely little bistro where we managed to get through a bottle of wine with our lunch.

When we had finished he said lets not rush back to work my apartment is just around the corner why don't we go and have a couple more drinks. Ok why not I replied.

When we arrived at his apartment he turned to me and said I just going to pop into the bedroom for moment why don't you take a seat and make your self comfortable, ok I replied again rather nervously though this time

A few minutes later the bedroom door opened and out he came carrying a birthday cake complete with candles, closely followed by my husband, kids and a bunch of friends and family all singing happy birthday!

And I just sat there

On the couch

Naked

ooer missus

Sorry in advance

Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?
No, but in the cafe next door I once saw a man eating chicken!

Why did the cowboy die with his boots on?
Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket!

What is the most slippery country in the world?
Greece!

What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?
A ladder in her stocking!

How do Welsh people eat cheese?
Caerphilly!

Oh dear me Graham .............:lol:

Graham ...new career at the Xmas cracker factory beckons!!!!!!!

brewerdave wrote:

Graham ...new career at the Xmas cracker factory beckons!!!!!!!

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?

STRESS MANAGEMENT

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.



1.. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3.. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.




There -- See? -- It really does work.
You're smiling already.

Paddy tells his wife "My bum is really burning, I've no idea what it is?". "Ring sting" his wife says. Paddy replies "How will he know!"

First-Class Blonde

A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to London with a ticket for economy. Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to London."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.

"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to London"